If people thought they were disappointed by the last episode of Seinfeld, they could have never imagined the horror of Seinfeld’s latest television series, The Marriage Ref.
Put simply, The Marriage Refsucks. That’s a really childish way to phrase it but I’m going to type that sentence because I think the phrase The Marriage Ref Sucks is being Googled a lot and I think it will help my search engine rankings. Oh, and because The Marriage RefSUCKS.
The premise seemed to have potential. You could almost see Seinfeld and his cronies (I’m guessing host Tom Papa was in attendance…) riffing on the idea one night at a dinner party and getting more and more excited. You can almost see the little light bulb going off above Jerry’s head. The previews promised that each show arguing couples would air their grievances, and then those domestic arguments would be discussed by a panel of celebrity judges – the final Ref call being made by host Tom Papa.
People arguing, A-listers commenting – how could you go wrong? I thought be if done right it might be reminiscent of a classic old celebrity schmoozefest like Match Gamefor . If it could possess half the magic of that kinky old Queen Paul Lynde on Hollywood Squares,it could be a runaway smash.
I was a fool. I know damn well TV that good ended when people started frowning on actors regularly appearing six martinis into their day on camera.
Speaking of Match Gamedrunks, remember Richard Dawson later hosting Family Feud? That cat was smooth. That makes The Marriage Refhost Tom Papa the anti-Richard Dawson. He’s Richard Dawson’s evil doppelganger. Tom Papa comes off somewhere between a cheesy old-time variety show host and the Dad who thinks he’s funny but in actuality makes his teenage daughter cringe with his corny old jokes. Jerry Seinfeld has been quoted calling Papa one of the most addictive human beings I have ever met. Fair enough – I thought he was about as funny as heroin too, if that’s what he meant. After one episode, I just sort of wanted to punch him. be that’s just me. Let’s just say if America’s Funniest Home Videosever needs a new host, I think I’ve got just the man for the job.
I missed the first episode, aired post Super Bowl, but I did catch the next. The guest judges were Seinfeld himself, Desperate HousewifeEva Longoria and Tina Fey.
Poor Tina Fey. I haven’t seen anyone look so uncomfortable since Ashley Simpson’s lip sync track cut off on Night Liveand her lips didn’t. That wasn’t Fey’s signature scar on her left cheek, that was her face cracking from holding that forced smile as she was assaulted by lame joke after lame joke. Tina Fey has written food shopping lists funnier than The Marriage Ref. I would bet dollars to cents she spent hours after tapingThe Marriage Ref curled up naked in a shower, desperately trying to scrub off the shame.
Seeing Fey fold under the pressure of a Seinfeld invitation made me wonder: How many other comedians I respect will be sent over the front line with a gun as Seinfeld burns through every favor he has out there trying to support this train wreck? Then I saw the preview for next week’s show: Ricky Gervais? ! NOOOooooo! Ricky no! Don’t do it! Run away! And Madonna? ? Huh? Has that crazy old cougar run out of 20-something Latin studs to fill her day and lady parts? Does everyone in Hollywood have to drop their skinny half-caf soy latte and come running when Seinfeld calls? Who’s next? Oprah? Jack Nicholson? If Jack shows up as a panelist on The Marriage RefI’m kicking my bucket list into high gear because I’m pretty sure that is one of the signs of Armageddon, somewhere between frogs and locusts.
And what about the arguments on which the whole series is based? One woman is mad at her husband because he claims to not have the skills to put together a do-it-yourself porch. High drama. That’s not even an argument – it’s general disappointment. Is she saying because he’s a Hispanic male he has to be handy in the yard? Hey lady, that’s stereotyping. Of course, the husband says he can’t do it because the Japanese made it and they always put extra screws in the box so be she learned that behavior from him. Jerry takes way too long to push out a joke about how that is probably why Lexus’s (Lexi? ) accelerators stick. Those wacky Japanese and their extra screws. Oh Jerry. So uncomfortable was I watching him flail for a laugh I had to look away.
(Just FYI – I just Googled it and the plural of Lexus is Lexus. Like Moose. Who knew.)
Calling in all his powerful friends Seinfeld is like a father trying buy a job for his talentless son.
How far has America’s taste in television fallen? Can Jerry possibly make back all the time and money that went into launching The Marriage Ref?
I think that depends on the current value of lead. If he can sell-off all the balloons that fell during the episode I watched, he might make a killing.