Cougars – aging ladies who try and recapture their fading youth by dressing like their daughters, upgrading through plastic surgery and hunting younger men are very hip right now. You’ve got Courtney Cox playing one on a show actually called Cougarville; you’ve got the obligatory cougar jokes in every juvenile movie and sitcom.
But the other day Mike and I ran into a phenomenon I hadn’t considered: The Goofy Cougar.
Sure, we’ve seen cougars who were trying too hard, looked like their face had been drawn up into a knot behind their head or had clearly raided their eleven year old daughter’s closet for the outfit of the day (there is something particularly disturbing about fake double Ds in a Jonas Brother’s concert tee), but we’d never seen an actually GOOFY cougar before.
This woman walked towards us on the street, and from a distance we actually thought she might be some kind of model. She was wickedly thin, dressed to the nines and definitely carrying enough saline in her chest to keep a small school of goldfish alive for several weeks. But then she drew closer … and she was goofy! Wide googly eyes, big goofy mouth with smeary red lipstick – she wasn’t (or at least hadn’t been) an ugly girl, but in her desperation to stay young had tweaked herself into totally goofiness. She literally looked like Bugs Bunny dressed up as a woman. The perfect combination of bad face lifts and makeup spasms had combined to create the perfect storm of goofiness.
A few signs your cougar days are numbered:
- All your younger lovers insist on doing it doggie style, tend to let a pillow fall over your face, or insist on it being very dark.
- People get confused when they talk to you because you always have the same expression.
- Your eyebrows keep getting lost in your hairline
- You’ve had so much Botox you’re stating to baa like a sheep during sex
- You keep your liposuction from your thighs in your closet so they can pump it back into your lips as needed
- When people see you they say, That reminds me, I want to see that latest Tim Burton movie…
- Your plastic surgeon named a wing of his office after you
- You’re last 3 dates were carded at the bar
- A typical date for you is dinner, sex, and then helping him fill out his college applications
- Your pretty sure you didn’t used to be Asian
So ladies, just a word to the warning. If you aren’t willing to age gracefully – if you’re prepared and determined to fight the onslaught of time – remember: You don’t want to look like Bugs Bunny in a dress.
Tags: age gracefully, Botox, cougars, plastic surgery