I’m starting to realize more and more that my dog Gordon and my husband Mike are actually the same critter.
1. They are both obsessive compulsive.
With Gordon it’s his tennis ball. He hates to be without it, will sometimes refuse to go somewhere unless he can bring it and once he has it he won’t stop.
Same thing with Mike, only replace tennis ball with wine.
2. They both ask me to scratch their backs several times a day.
3. Neither of them ever finish anything
Mike leaves a little of EVERYTHING behind. A little shampoo in the bottle. A little food left on his plate. A half inch of liquid in every glass. He’ll make something in a pan for himself, say… a breast of chicken, that he cut into 10 pieces. He will then put NINE of them on his plate and leave the tenth in the pan to die.
Gordon leaves a little food in his bowl that he’ll never go back and eat. He leaves a little water behind and dies of thirst waiting for us to notice that the bowl is at an inappropriate level. He leaves crumbs behind when he eats a bone and doesn’t snorf them up like a proper dog.
4. Both like to pretend they are helpless.
If Mike needs to type something he will sit and stare at the keyboard and make grunting noises until I come over and type it for him. I haven’t figured out yet if this is because typing with two fingers is so much slower than my correct style, or because he gets a kick out dictating to me and feeling like the Big Boss talking to his Secretary. I’m sure it is a little of both. In all fairness, I play the same game when there are bugs to be smooshed.
If Gordon is out in the yard and gets the smallest little thing in his paw, he will stop dead, pick up his paw, and stare at me until I come and clean it out for him. I’m pretty sure if he were living in the wild he would live for about a day, get something in his paw, and then just die of starvation standing with one paw in the air waiting for attention.
5. They both expect treats all day long.
Step within two feet of the closet where we keep Gordon’s treats and he will materialize beside you from wherever he might have been in the house, like he’s got some kind of doggy teleportation system, expecting to get a treat. With Mike replace treat with wine.
6. They both hog the bed covers.
7. You can’t do something with either of them without it becoming a pattern.
You have to be very careful what you do twice in a row with Gordon, or that will become the new pattern which he expects from you going forward. Take him for a walk at 6am two days in a row and the next morning at 6am you’ll wake up to find him staring at you, his tail thumping on the ground with anticipation.
I helped Mike take out the trash once. Now I have to help every time. Not because he needs the help – just because that’s the way it is now.
8. They are both color blind.
If I throw a yellow ball into light green grass, neither of them can see it.
9. They are both high maintenance.
Gordon needs to be groomed every 6 weeks or his muppet-like hair-fur turns into knotted, unruly dreadlocks. Mike takes much longer than me to get ready when we go out. The this shirt or this shirt? game alone takes an hour. I used to just pick one shirt randomly but he figured that out and now asks for my reasoning behind every choice. So I make things up: That orange really makes your eyes pop!
10. They both open the door when I’m in the bathroom.
Gordon does it because he has me trapped and he can make me scratch his face. Mike does it because he thinks it’s funny to hear me scream at him to shut the door.
11. They both expect me to feed them dinner every day.
12. They are both skitterish.
Gordon routinely goes skittering across the room or the yard with his butt tucked under him in fear. Sometimes it is a loud noise or a sudden movement – sometimes we have no idea what made him jump. Sometimes it is his own tail.
Mike has bumped into spider webs, spiders, snakes, particularly sneaky birds, opossums and several other things that have made him scream like a little girl and flap his ridiculously long skinny arms and legs around in the air.
13. They like repetition.
Gordon is never happier when he can do the same thing every day, preferably at the same exact time as the previous day.
Mike will watch Gladiator, Goodfellas, Rob Roy, The Godfatherand Braveheart any time and every time they are on. I think if I put them all in a continuous loop he would just die of happiness.
14. They both poop in the yard.
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